I looked at a picture of someone on myspace....and dry heaved. Now I feel like a total asshole....

I've always been a writer, it's something that has been with me for a long time now. I've tried my hand at several different styles and have adventured into almost every avenue of writing but the one style that has always been closest to my heart has been songwriting and poetry. I am a musically driven person, I really don't think anyone really understands how much music really means to me, how much it affects me. A great song will bring me to my knees in it's awe. It reaches into my heart and pulls something out that is on a level of ecstasy. It's like a drug being pumped into my veins, the rush of emotions and energy is so amazing. If it could be bottled and sold, I wouldn't need anything else in the world.

My major goal for a long time has been to form a band and be able to share my message, my unfiltered heart. To reach out to the people who are in a desperate situation and need something to lift their spirits. To give the unmotivated a reason to push forward and make their beliefs and dreams a reality. The fame is not what I want, I just want people to hear and understand me. Since I'm not a great conversationalist or writer (in a story sense) music and poetry helps me reach that goal easier.

I am in the process of writing a series of poems (intended to become songs) I think my goal will be to write 8-10 pieces. Each one has their own message and story. I am being careful to give each one their own identity and not overlap in any area in concerns to style or wordage.

I've already completed one of the pieces but I'm not going to be posting them *just* yet. When I'm about halfway finished I'll post one, until then just keep your eyes out. =D

Brad

True facts are BOLDED:

I am 5'4" or shorter
I think I'm ugly
I have many scars
I tan easily
I wish my hair was a different color
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
I have a tattoo
I am self-conscious about my appearance
I have/I've had braces
I wear glasses
I'd get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free, scar-free
I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger
I have more than 2 piercings
I have piercings in places besides my ears
I have freckles

Family/Home Life:

I've sworn at my parents
I've been kicked out of the house
My biological parents are together
I have a sibling less than one year old
I want to have kids someday
I have children
I've lost a child

Embarrassment:

I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation
Disney movies still make me cry
I've snorted while laughing
I've laughed so hard I've cried
I've glued my hand to something
I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose
I've had my pants rip in public

Health:

I was born with a disease/impairment (Born with a hernia, if that's anything)
I've had stitches
I've broken a bone
I've had my tonsils removed
I've sat in a doctor's office with a friend
I've had my wisdom teeth removed
I had a serious surgery
I've had chicken pox

Traveling:

I've driven over 200 miles in one day
I've been on a plane
I've been to Canada
I've been to Niagara Falls
I've been to Japan
I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans
I've been to Europe
I've been to Africa
I've been to France

Experiences:

I've been lost in my city
I've seen a shooting star
I've wished on a shooting star
I've seen a meteor shower
I've gone out in public in my pajamas
I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
I've been to a casino
I've been skydiving
I've gone skinny dipping
I've played spin the bottle
I've crashed a car
I've been skiing
I've been in a play
I've met someone in person from the internet
I've caught a snowflake on my tongue
I've seen the Northern Lights
I've sat on a roof top at night
I've played chicken
I've played a prank on someone
I've ridden in a taxi
I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
I've been snowboarding

Relationships:

I'm single
I'm in a relationship
I'm available
I'm engaged
I'm married
I've gone on a blind date
I've been the dumpee more than the dumper
I miss someone right now
I have a fear of abandonment
I've been divorced
I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
I've told someone I loved them when I didn't
I've told someone I didn't love them when I did
I've kept something from a past relationship

Sexuality:

I've had a crush on someone of the same gender
I've kissed a member of the same gender
I've had sex with someone of the opposite gender
I've had sex with someone of the same gender
I've had sex with more than one person at the same time
I am a cuddler
I've been kissed in the rain
I've had sex outdoors
I've hugged a stranger
I have kissed a stranger
I have had sex with a stranger

Honesty/Crime:

I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't
I have lied to my parents about where I am
I am keeping a secret from the world
I've cheated while playing a game
I've cheated on a test
I've run a red light
I've been suspended from school
I've witnessed a crime
I've been in a fist fight
I've been arrested
I've shoplifted

Drugs/Alcohol:

I've consumed alcohol
I smoke cigarettes
I smoke pot
I regularly drink
I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them
I've done hard drugs
I've been addicted to an illegal substance
I take cough meds when I'm not sick
I can't swallow pills
I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem

Mental health:

I have been diagnosed with depression
I shut others out when I'm depressed
I take anti-depressants
I have an eating disorder
I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it
I've hurt myself on purpose
I'm addicted to self harm
I've woken up crying

Death:

I'm afraid of dying
I hate funerals
I've seen someone dying
I have attempted suicide
Someone close to me has attempted suicide

Random:

I can sing well
I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant
I open up to others too easily
I don't kill bugs
I curse regularly
I sing in the shower
I am a morning person
I paid for my cell phone ring tone
I'm a snob about grammar
I am a sports fanatic
I play with my hair
I have/had "x"s in my screen name
I love being neat
I've copied more than 30 CDs in a day
I bake well
My favorite colour is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
I don't know how to shoot a gun
I am in love with love
I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS
I laugh at my own jokes
I eat fast food weekly
I believe in ghosts
I am online 24/7, even as an away message
I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room
I am really ticklish
I love white chocolate
I bite my nails
I play video games
I'm good at remembering faces
I'm good at remembering names
I'm good at remembering dates
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
I add something to the end of almost everything I say; ex: yeah, you know, yo, dawg.
I've been honest while filling out this meme

I'm a stupid, silly boy.

"With eyes fixated on the future, I fall into oblivion"

I will explain the meaning to this phrase.

It used to be "Fall with me, fly away into oblivion" and that used to signify an undying love. A passion for something so strong that you would willfully thrust yourself into the darkest depths for it's sake. I've lived by this creed for a long time, I've always given my full support to anything I held dear to me. I would stand by it stubbornly, if it be a person, place, or ideal. I would stick with my guns with integrity.

This new quote signifies a change in that line of thinking. I will still stand steadfast in the face of anything. But the different between now and this is that I will no longer surrender myself for those ideals. I won't let myself be dragged down while clinging onto it desperately. Rather, now I will hold onto whatever that ideal or person is, but I will stand strong and hold it to me. Instead of sinking into the darkness of whatever life may bring to me, I will stand firm. If I end up being overtaken by that darkness, I will always continue to look for the light. I will not be happy until I have escaped from the dark.

Or something like that, anyway that's the creed I will live by. No matter what I face, I will do so with my head held high and my eyes set toward better days.

So here I am. Back home. Drove about 18-20 hours straight so I'm exausted. Gonna crash. I'll talk to people when I get back online.

(I just loved this writing so much that I felt like I should post it again for those who don't want to scroll back through my posts.)

Seems like chances aren't worth taking when in the end the hearts you're breaking
Are the ones you hold the very most dear
Seems like the change you've worked so hard to bring out the person that's within you
Just revert you back into that form of yesteryear

How would I go about stopping this roulette wheel?
The one that turns out our emotions and makes them real
Spinning my halted mind further and further out of frame
Further off this balanced axis that I've worked so hard to attain.

Pursuing your dreams of eternal happiness turn into nightmarish tears of bitterness
Pulling harder at the strings of your soul
Spending the days you have so gleefully while in the bed you turn over restlessly
It just seems things have spun out of control

How would I go about replacing all these broken bearings?
The ones that allow us to glide frictionless and carefree.
Things just seemed to bog down and the rails are bent in half.
Throwing this whole machine completely off it's track.

I wonder if there's a way that I could ever find guidance
Without coming off as a needy nuisance.
Maybe if we hated one another things would go so much easier
But I can't bring myself to hate a man I call my brother
Now how, to this point, have we arrived?
From embracing hugs to run-and-hide
Will things ever return to a place of normalcy?
You've been working on yourself but am I really working on me?

I guess I'll wait and see
I'll let this roulette wheel keep spinning me

This is something I've needed to get out of me for a long time. I'm sure this isn't going to completely rid me of my fears but I think it's a healthy first step for me to take. It's something I have to do for the sake of those who know me, those who love me, and for myself. It's something that I just HAVE to do, otherwise I will just end up self-destructing in the end.

Now lets get the easy part out of the way. I'm afraid.

It's just that simple, I'm afraid. Of what in particular, now that's where things begin to get messy. There are many things that accumulate into this overbearing fear but in the end the fact remains that I'm afraid and I have to realize it. I have to realize it, face it, fight it, and ultimately defeat it. Who knows how many years I'll spend fighting it, I may never win actually...but why would I lay down and let it beat me. Why the FUCK would I not fight.

To break down my fears I think I shouldn't try to break it down immediately, but rather leave it generalized. I, like many people in this life of ours, am afraid to fail. I want to succeed no matter what I do and I want to be the very best, no exceptions.

I WANT TO BE THE BEST

I am obsessed with being better than everyone else, I want to rise above any and all challenges and stand above everyone victorious. I want everyone to look up to me and say "wow, he's so great. I want to be like him." It's so shameful but honestly, in my core, I am really this self-centered. I do everything to be acknowledged and it makes me feel like such a horrible person in the end. It's an empty success.

My fear is rooted in not failing, I don't want to lose anything. I desperately hold on to everything I have because so much HAS been taken away from me. Because of my obsessive nature in winning I have lost many things. I have lost every single friend I have ever made. I have been ostracized from social groups, I have spent years surrounded by people yet being totally alone. It has affected me deeply, but even worse than that, instead of working to regain those bonds, to rebuild those bridges, I simply let them burn and walked away from my problems.

For seventeen years of my life, my best friend, Aaron Hurt, lived across the street from me. He was a year younger than I was, but we spent every waking moment together since we were three. We played together on a daily basis, we did everything together. He was always smarter than I was, he was incredibly smart. I learned a lot of things from him throughout the years, we learned a lot of things together. We were inseparable. We would fight every now and then, but we would always make up in the end. Things began to change slightly when we got to middle school. He went to another school than I did, because they offered year-round classes. I continued to go to traditional school.

During those years I began to get bullied day in and day out. The friends I had made in-school had all pretty much dropped me. One friend in particular, Paul Laird, whom our families were actually pretty good friends of one another, looked me in the eye one day and asked me "who are you?"

It took him 4 months of summer to forget who I was. I had even been over to his home during that time. He seemingly did it just to separate himself from me. Everyone realized how he had changed but nobody knew the truth of it better than I did. It was like being slapped in the face. My reaction to this... I simply regressed into a shell.

During this entire time, my dad had been a raging alcoholic from the day I was born. Things came to a boiling point one day during my 7th grade year of school. I had learned to drown out the arguing and shattering glass from years of experience. Nothing would prepare me for the day my dad burst into my brother and I's room, threw our mother onto the ground, and punched her in the face before we went to school. It was at that moment that something inside of me snapped. I was filled with so much rage that the only thing I could think about for the next several years was how much I hated my dad and how I seriously wanted to kill him.

It's sickening for me to think of it now, but I lived with that pain and fury for so long that it built and built and collapsed in on itself. I began to think only about myself, I cared only about myself. After a while, I even stopped caring about that.

I spent 5 years on the verge of suicide. I tried once, I won't go into details. I just tried...

During all of this time, I was so afraid of trying to do anything. Out of fear. I didn't want to fail at anything, I didn't want to lose at anything. I was afraid that I would end up being hurt if I did fail. I didn't want to get physically hurt, I didn't want to watch another friend of mine turn around and walk away from me.

Returning to Aaron. When we were both in high school he had completely given up on me. I had become so reclusive that he simply stopped trying. When I saw him in the halls of the school he had surrounded himself with new friends and didn't even glace at me. When he did see me, he would simply turn away. He still lived right across the street during all of this time.

While going through all of this my mom tried pushing religion on me. I never really accepted any of it, and for the longest time, I went there just to get out of the home. Funny thing is, due to my appearance at the time (I was kinda scraggly looking and generally not very friendly) all of the kids at the youth group simply didn't speak to me. It seemed to be the story of my life, surrounded by people, but all alone.

Except for one person.

A guy by the name of Joe Leonard. We started to hang out and chat every once in a while. He, like myself, was somewhat of an outcast in the nicely-dressed, god-fearing/loving, white-collar church we went to. Also, he, like myself, was heavily influenced by music in his day to day life and was also a gamer. Every week I would go over to his house and we would hang out for hours and play music together. He became my best friend, and for years we just stayed tight. We shared some of our darkest secrets and fears. We both knew that we had to get out of the places we were. He was stuck in a similar place that I was, and I acted as a mentor to him during that time oddly enough. I was two years older than Joe.

We continued to be friends even after we both graduated, he found success in a band he was in and had moved out of his home. But as with every other friendship I had, he just simply slipped away from me. He moved on and I was stuck with the same repetitive life I was living, safe, secure, afraid.

It really began to seem that every person I invested my heart and soul into simply left me behind. I don't know if it was so much me puling away and staying put while they all advanced forward without me. All I really knew was that I was 22 years old, with no friends, unhappy with my job, unhappy in general, and I had no way out.

What am I afraid of?

I'm afraid to invest into anything now, because I'm afraid that I'm going to what little I have. I'm afraid to lose any more. I'm afraid to try. I honestly do think I'm afraid to live.

Somehow I HAVE to shake that off and move on. I can't continue to sabotage myself out of fear. I have nobody to blame for the way I turned out, it's amazing that I'm even still alive. I just need to stop caring so much and just leave myself to the trade winds.

Get over it, get to it, get out there, get going. Live

God dammit Brad, for fucks sake LIVE.

So I go out today at around 6:30 to take part in my first Jiu Jitsu class in about 4 months and things went....less than good...

I've recently been fighting a pretty bad cold that's been hitting my sinus and lungs. Well I felt I was on the tail end of this cold and I decided to go out and try the class anyway, knowing I'm a bit out of shape but not bad enough to completely pass out.

I was wrong

I first get in and we start doing some warm-up exercises, pretty much a light jog that then went into high knees, then into heels to back, then slapping the floor and jumping. Remember, we're doing all this while keeping the jog up, I wasn't too excited doing this but it was ok for me, then we started doing sidesteps and touching the floor. This is where I noticed I was breathing really really heavily. I thought it was odd because I knew I wasn't THAT out of shape.

Then we stopped running and started doing sprawls (same concept as a squat thrust push-up.) Well after about 2 minutes of this I'm starting to notice I have no energy left and my breathing isn't getting any better. After about four rounds of sprawls, push-ups, and sit-ups I'm totally exhausted and I nearly black out.

At this point I told myself I had to get out, something felt wrong and I could only guess it was because my cold had wreaked havoc on my lungs.

So I decide that I was premature in coming to class and I need to come back later when I'm at 100%. I got changed and went out to my car but during the drive home my arms suddenly went completely numb and I had little-to-no control over them. It was one of the scariest moment of my life in all truth.

Thankfully I managed to get home and I just crashed on the bed and stayed there for about 15 to 20 minutes. During this time subu got me a glass of water and stayed with me for a while. In the end I feel a bit better, I can actually move now but my lungs are still a little sore. I'm not sure what happened to me but before I go back to the gym I'm going to make absolutely sure that I'm healthy.

-guitar lesson
-enroll in Jiu Jitsu
-buy mask/fins/snorkle
-write demo reel script
-write for "For Those Left Behind"
-remember BOUNDRIES!!!
-look into "that"

So I had my first day of work today at my new job. I work as a digital vinyl applicator. Meaning we take digitally plotted vinyl and apply it to signage. I worked in nearly each area today, I started off weeding and masking vinyl cutouts (pretty much stencil designs cut out on vinyl and then placing transfer over the top of it.)

Then I was asked to wet mount a finished sign to plastic material. I did dry mounting back in Indiana, so I thought I had a pretty good grasp of how to do it. Wet mounting is a little more complicated with the water/soap/other stuff. Still, I managed to do a hardly acceptable job. I'll get better in time.

Finally I worked on the floor....no literally....I was on my hands and knees on the floor. You see there are these signs made of multiple vinyl stencils. They need to be layered on top of one another one by one, so I was asked to help the guys out. It was tough work but I actually liked it the best of the three areas I worked.

EVERYONE there is just cool. Every single person I worked with was just really enjoyable to be around, they were all interested in getting to know me. I was walked around and introduced to all of the leads on the floor and they're all really nice guys. It's just a great atmosphere.

After I got home I rushed off to go to my guitar lessons that subu  got me for my birthday. Dwight, my instructor, is a really nice old guy. Really cool. He has a beagle! Yeah...anyway I loved the lesson, he made it really easy to understand and he seemed really impressed with what I already knew. We seem to be off to a good start, so we'll see where that goes. I can see myself getting better really rapidly under his instruction. 

Anyway I'm off to get something to eat, check in with you next time.

Later

Name: Brad
Date: 3/24/2009
Colorgenics Number: 17034265

---

 

At this time you are feeling 'uptight' and you are urgently in need of rest and relaxation; but perhaps even more than that you need to overcome that feeling that you have been 'hard done by' and treated with a complete lack of consideration. Maybe you have, but whatever may have been the cause of your inherent anxiety, you regard the situation as intolerable. Your are, however, sufficiently competent to turn that situation around - you have overcome similar problems in the past, and really this one isn't too different.

You are experiencing considerable difficulty trying to achieve your goals. As a consequence of this you are becoming more and more irritable. Your friends and acquaintances are finding it increasingly more difficult to appease or to reason with you. You are the cause of your own problems. Don't be so impulsive. It is your vacillation that can lead to problems and uncertainties. Ease up a little.

At times one is burdened with more than one's fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant - you know what you wish to achieve - and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavours and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.

I just love how some people think they can just bother me whenever they please for no apparent reason just because they've seen me on the VAA.

Them (1:15:12 AM): hello
Me (1:15:38 AM): who is this?
Them (1:15:51 AM): im from the vaa
Me (1:16:19 AM): alright...
Them (1:16:33 AM): Do you voice act
Me (1:17:08 AM): I do, but you still haven't told me who you are
Them (1:17:28 AM): Jim Morrison
Me (1:18:47 AM): ....
Me (1:21:17 AM): so any reason you contacted me ** ****?
Me (1:21:31 AM): and why would you alias as the lead singer of the Doors....
Them (1:22:13 AM): How do you know its ****
Me (1:22:26 AM): same aim name
Them (1:22:42 AM): Oh right
Them (1:22:53 AM): Why is your text so small
Me (1:23:40 AM): alright, so you pretty much wanted to waste my time and annoy me. Blocking now. If you want to contact me about something serious do it through the VAA.

So yeah, since moving to San Antonio I've loved the city. I love the neighborhood I live in. I love the people. I love the climate. I love the shopping and eating choices around here. I love every single aspect of this city...

Except for one thing...

Nobody in San Antonio knows how to FUCKING drive.

I'll just say this and be done with it, since I don't really want to rant. I've almost been hit four times in the last two days. I had right-of-way in every situation. I'm just blessed to be a lucky and very defensive driver.

After going to visit subu at work I drove home. First off, before I even get started with my retardation, let me tell you that my phone's GPS is stoooopid. I follow the directions to the T, do every single thing it asks of me perfectly. Then it reroutes like I took a wrong turn. Christ it just drives me crazy sometimes. 

Anyway going to see subu's workplace (Dive World) we went to get lunch together at Sonic. (IT'S SONIC GOOD!) After eating she remembered she had an appointment with a customer and we returned right away. Once we entered the customer was standing there in the store so Morgan went to attend to her and I decided to head home, though when I went to say goodbye and get a hug she simply waved and said "bye" and that was it....leaving me with the most saddest D= face ever. Yeah...

So I get home and right outside of the doorway I get a text from her saying "You can come back you know." So while I'm sitting there thinking "what the fuck woman..." I realize I don't have my car key. So I return to the car and realize (without thinking of course) that I locked the car door behind me, and Morgan locked her door when she got out of the car. So my car key is sitting in the ignition in it's duct-taped goodness. So not only am I kinda pissed at the whole being brushed off deal, I feel like a total retard for leaving my key behind.

Ugh

So I'm going to go stand by my car until my AAA locksmith gets here.

Later

Addition: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that just before I got home I stopped by a carwash. Weird thing happened at the car wash too. I paid for a $5 wash and put a $10 bill in the thingy. It gave me 5 silver dollars back. O.o

Anyway the funniest thing about the whole key in the car thing, is that i have a shiny car with the key stuck inside. XD!!!
</lj>

Alright, so I haven't been keeping up with my LJ. I should be, I really should. I just haven't for all sorts of reason, including but not limited to: laziness, forgetfulness, preoccupation, fear, and the lack of anything worthwhile to write. But this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to dump a huge post on you guys right now.

I've been through quite the adventure over the past several months. IT all seems like one giant whirlwind just up and lifted me from my nice secure life, the endless meandering through my days starting and ending in the same bed, going no further than a few select places, having no friends to really communicate with in my hometown. I was just stuck in a constant cycle of dreams and disappointment. Until I began to break free from all of the little hooks that tied me to the buildings I seemed to haunt. I traveled on my own, I made friends far and beyond, I was able to see that the world really isn't as big as it seemed.

I began to figure out just how talented I was and how far I could reach if I simply pushed myself again, something I haven't done in a long time.

I had finally begun to form a network, a circle, people who I would never be ashamed to call friends. Every day that circle grew and I wasn't afraid of meeting people or having a good time. I had lived a very sheltered life and I when I broke free of it, I began to have the time of my life.

This wasn't all without it's tribulations though...

I had my heart broken, and though I hate to admit it, my trust was shaken for the first time. But I recovered from that to find something even better. The situations I became involved in were more and more convoluted and suddenly life didn't seem so much fun anymore. I have always thought of myself as someone who sees situations very well and understands people and their reactions. I've always had a talent for reading people and making the right choices to keep everyone happy.

In reality I always kind of made it a rule for myself to keep everyone's spirits up. To not let my friends down and to always be at their side when worst came to worst. No matter how many times I swallowed my words and stood by them and supported them, I stuck by my friends. Even if it meant passing something I truly wanted up.

I broke that rule of mine to get what I wanted, and let a close friend suffer as a result. I chose to be greedy for once, I chose to stop giving, I jumped at a chance for love and I obtained it.

At the cost of a friendship.

I guess this post is more about that friendship and making one final plea to that person. If they choose to hate me, then that's what they want to do. I'm done feeling guilty over it.

I think if anyone were to ask me last August that I would be living in an apartment in San Antonio, Texas and would be in love with someone I thought I had no chance with I would have asked to borrow the book you were reading that gave you that idea. But it's true.

Could have the circumstances in getting to this point have been a little better? Probably.
Would I do it again? If there isn't an easier way, yeah.

I'll be back to updating LJ more often from here on out.....I hope.

Get to contacting me peoples! I need to start talking to people again!

Well I've been spending most of today prepping for my trip to San Antonio. I've been pulling everything out and collecting whatever boxes I can. Tomorrow will be spent doing my final packing and getting my car checked out and washed.

I said goodbye to my sister and took pictures with her and my parents. I almost wanted to cry when she left, it's tough realizing that I won't be seeing her for a long time.

The trip is looking pretty daunting, I may have to split it into two days instead of driving straight through the night. I don't really want to drive at nighttime through the Texas countryside either. Merodi will agree that it's one of the loneliest feeling ever, even with someone in the car with you. Even worse is that I'm making the trip alone.

I guess we'll see.

Today is my final day at work. Here I am in a chinese restraunt waiting for my food and it hits me: my life is about to change forever this week.

Not only am I going to be leaving my job, but also my home, my state, essentially my life as it is...

And I couldn't be more excited!

Is it a scary undertaking? Fuck yes. You have no idea, and those of you who do, you are probably wishing me the best of luck. I'll certainly need it.

All I can really say is that I am going into this during one of America's lowest moments, but I'm riding such an emotional high that I honestly believe in myself in a way I never have been able to before.

Do I owe that to love? Possibly. Am I keeping my head on straight? Again, fuck yes.

After today my final preperations begin. I'll start gathering my things and getting them ready to go.

When I get home I'm probably going to break down and cry...

To you who've known me over these past twenty-three years
It's you I'm owing all of my gratitude and these saddened tears

Somehow I think that your confusion
Caused by my sudden and sharp resolution
Now that I've faced it, it isn't so hurtful anymore

Still my heartstrings are being tugged and my legs begin to shake
At this monstrous task set before me that I now must undertake

I'll pick up and go to nowhere
Knowing every roads leads to somewhere
Now that I've seen it, it isn't so scary anymore

All my family, All I've ever known
Will stay here stagnant while I venture into the unknown
I'm petrified but I'm jumping at this chance
Knowing at the end of this no matter my circumstance

I have taken a stand and taken control
Now that I've taken these reigns over I'm never letting go
A leap of faith is a leap all the same
There are risks we take every moment of every single day

So I don't find this frightening, I am not at all afraid
No I'm not terrified of the outcome but the travel is the thing
As long as I know at the end her arms are waiting surely
That's the place where I belong so don't be worried for me

I'll be fine

Well I've managed to piss my parents off. Who would have thought after years of telling me to be an adult and do something for myself, they would be so upset that I finally do make an adult decision.

I'm sorry guys but I don't need to run this decision past you. I'm leaving everything behind because I do believe there is something better waiting for me. I don't feel like this is a mistake, for once I finally have full confidence in myself.